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A Note from Linda ...

Isn't it amazing how simple things can pack such a wallop?

In my last ezine (March 2008) I spoke about the power of gratitude and how using the two simple words, "thank you" can change us for the better.

Today I would like to focus on another seemingly simple notion called the "Four Agreements," by Don Miguel Ruiz. It speaks to how we show up in life when it comes to living and working with others.

The beliefs we carry from childhood create our "self-talk" that in turn, dictate our behaviors. In other words, we create our very own agreements as to who we are, how we relate with others, and how we operate in life. Unfortunately, our own "agreements" don't usually serve us well.

The Four Agreements in today's article speak to a commanding code of conduct that sounds easy…even simple. But don't be fooled….they take time, patience and practice to apply. But once mastered, these agreements will change your life in the most powerful way.

What agreements do you live by?

My best,
Linda Yaffe
Certified Executive Coach

"The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavor."  -- Vince Lombardi

The Four Agreements at Work: An Inside Job

In his book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz distills the essence of Toltec wisdom into four principles for living a life of value:

1. Be impeccable with your word.

2. Don't take anything personally.

3. Don't make assumptions.

4. Always do your best.

How elegantly simple and, as some might say, a "no brainer!" But simple wisdom isn't common practice. While most of us believe we are impeccable with our word, we know others who are not. And most likely, others, from time to time, consider us far less than impeccable.

The Four Agreements are deceptively simple, yet difficult to apply. With practice, they're extremely effective, providing a way to experience inner peace and happiness, while creating stronger relationships.

Each agreement is self-directed. It's not about what you can do to change someone's behavior. Rather, the guides teach us how to respond appropriately to others' difficult behaviors and maintain smoother work relationships.

So, how do you apply these principles at work? Let's examine each one.

1. Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Words are powerful, and your speech establishes (or undermines) your credibility and trustworthiness. With language, you express your creativity, knowledge and values.

Unfortunately, we often speak too quickly, without thought. Speaking comes so easily and effortlessly that we fall into the trap of using clichés and automatic phrases that often don't do justice to our ideas.

This first agreement means much more than not lying, cheating or stealing. It requires you to make honest, positive statements that reflect who you really are, letting go of the "fake" persona that may occasionally creep into your communication.

Just as your word can form solid relationships, it also has the potential to destroy them. When we abuse the power of words—spreading verbal poison as we express anger, jealousy, envy or hate—our gossip pulls others down, creating a climate of fear and doubt.

Remember: Your opinion is nothing but your point of view—and not necessarily true. It reflects your beliefs and ego. We spread gossip and opinions so we can defend our point of view.

Ironically, spewing destructive words can also hurt someone closer to home: you. How often do you speak against yourself, even in a semi-humorous, self-deprecating manner?

Self-judgment is one of the worst transgressions when we examine the first agreement. You cannot practice tolerance and patience for others if you're self-critical. Having high personal standards means developing a nonjudgmental attitude that chalks up mistakes to learning experiences. Take responsibility for your actions, but avoid self-blame.

2. Don't take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Each of us lives in our own world, in our own mind, set off from the larger worldview. When we take something personally, we assume others know what's in our world—and we then try to impose our world on theirs.

Even when a situation is personal, insulting you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What someone says or does is merely his opinion. If you buy into this opinion, you eat his emotional garbage, which then becomes your garbage. Refuse to take it personally, and you're free to act in accordance with your values—not his.

Similarly, your opinions of yourself are not necessarily true, so don't take them personally. The payoff will be greater freedom and renewed energy.

3. Don't make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

We make assumptions about everything, believe them to be true and then act upon them. A better solution is to ask for more information so you can clarify what others mean and ultimately want.

We often assume the worst, creating a "reality" that erroneously becomes the gospel truth. We may know better, but it's hard to consciously catch yourself making assumptions. You do, however, have a choice: Clarify and question.

It may feel risky to admit you don't know something with 100% certainty, fearing you'll appear dumb. You may try to avoid conversations in which you must reveal your assumptions, leading others to perceive you as less than brilliant. Consequently, you miss opportunities to strengthen relationships.

4. Always do your best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

When we put forth our best efforts, our colleagues know they can rely on us. We appear fully engaged in our tasks and passionate about our work. Doing your best also brings out the best in others.

Practice

Become more mindful. The next time you begin to gossip, assume something or fail to clarify, stop yourself. If you sense you're taking something personally, back up and think before you speak. Ask yourself, "How can I make this situation better?"

It may be difficult to learn and apply the four principles simultaneously. But conscious attention to them will help you learn alternative ways to react to difficult people and situations.

You'll be amazed at the number of workplace opportunities to avoid gossip, personal assumptions and performing at less than optimal levels. When you practice the Four Agreements, you'll feel invigorated, exhibit innovative thinking and enjoy stronger relationships.

Instead of trying to change another person, make an impact on someone you can really change: yourself.

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WorkingMatters' principal, Linda Yaffe, a Leadership Development and Certified Executive Coach, uses her senior and executive level management experience to help you achieve your business and career goals.

Whether you are jump-starting a business, advancing your career, an executive or president, Linda’s coaching expertise will provide you with the essential focus, skills and behaviors needed to perform, advance and lead in today’s business environment.

As well, Linda works closely with companies like yours focused on "high potential grooming and leadership performance enhancement" geared toward your top talent and next generation of leaders.

Linda delivers bottom-line benefits to individuals and organizations focused on moving to the highest levels of learning, performance and achievement.

In addition to coaching, Linda delivers Leadership Workshops to small and large businesses.

Linda abides by the strict code of confidentiality and adheres to the highest standard of ethics in accordance with the International Coach Federation.

For more information, please contact Linda by email at LYaffe@WorkingMatters.com

 
 
 


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